Wednesday, June 16, 2004


I vant to take your blood! So I signed up for the blood drive at my office next week and now I'm very anxious about it. I've never had my blood taken (except for tests and I've had that done literally 100s of times). I'm scared. I have tried to have my blood taken twice before but once I was on antibiotics and once I was found to be anemic. So, hopefully all will go well with this so that I can give blood AND I won't pass out. Hopefully.

No pressure... My boss came around earlier asking for a volunteer to represent our group by playing a word scramble game at our monthly meeting today. I told him I would do it if he couldn't find anyone else but to please try to find someone else. Basically I volunteered to help him out if all else failed. Well, guess what? All else failed.
I can feel the adrenaline kicking in my veins and there are still easily 3 more hours before the contest starts. I don't think people realize how seriously I take this. It's not really that I care about winning but I hate to not do well at things. I have this odd need to always be the best. The weirdest part about that need is that I can't figure out what fostered it in me, especially since I can be the slacker of slackers most of the time (until competition is added, even if it's just a competition with myself).
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that when I was little I used to enjoy games/challenges for a whole different reason. I guess you could say I liked them for themselves. Now I like them for the feeling of doing my best and sometimes even the feeling of winning. But I dont' really love the activity so much as the rush it brings. I need to work on that. For months I've been working on this with my running. Every time I run I always feel an adrenaline kick ("just get to that line" "almost through", stuff like that feels like I should really step it up and push myself but I get this horrible nauseous feeling from it. Ick! It's horrible. I want to go back to running just because I love how I feel when I run. Because of the wind and the closeness of the earth, and the way energies move around me and comingle with me, and how everything shines when I run. I want to focus on that again. Yes... I will.


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