Wednesday, June 02, 2004

On the topic of Kissing:

I had previously decided I need to really sit down and think about what kissing means to me and where my boundaries lie, mostly because of the relationship I am in now and how I feel about my wonderful DBF.
Then I read this entry by emeraldmyst, which got me thinking again.

So here's my thinking outloud:
I previously had alway thought "hey, kissing, it's nice. I like it. I want to do it to show that I care, not necessarily romantically, about people, but also just with people I'm attracted to because I enjoy how it makes me feel. It makes me feel wanted and loved and cared for and happy." I don't think feeling like this is wrong, but have previously also had problems with my (now ex) boyfriend's feeling getting hurt that I was kissing other people, not romantically and everyone involved knew that.

Now I've met a few people who feel kissing is something intimate and should only be shared with those you are intimate with (whether sex/intimate or soul/intimate). My DBF is sort of on that line. (He isn't completely because he doesn't mind little kisses with friends.) So I now want to really think about what my perspective on this issue is, without really taking into consideration what he thinks, so that if it comes up I can defend my position or at least explain it.

So on first glance, I'd say I still feel that it's what's behind the kiss that matters and not really the idea of pressing your lips to someone elses. So if I kiss a friend, say one of our hashers (both Have A Nice Bitch and TAF have given me friendly kisses before), then I'm just sort of saying hello or thanks or whatever. Just the same as a slap on the ass might be from one of them. Not at all intrusive into a relationship and not giving off any signals.
But kissing someone in a way that seems romantic to bystanders or to the kissee/kisser is unacceptable for this reason. If it is romantic then that is intrusive into the wonderful relationship that I want to keep wonderful.
So really... to me, it's about who I'm kissing and why. That's really all it comes down to. And since I won't be kissing anyone (that would be the who I'm kissing) that would be seen as romantic that's no problem. But should I control the why? I mean, can I just kiss someone for the hell of it? I mean if I can kiss someone as a "hi beautiful how's your life going?" kiss what's different between that and a "just thought you could have used a kiss" kiss? Hmmm...

It's not like I'm going around kissing the masses here. These are only people that I feel comfortable with and vice versa, but perhaps I should take into consideration DBF's feelings at this point. What if he doesn't feel comfortable with me kissing a specific person? I'd probably take that into account and if I felt that his reasoning stood up (as in not just "I don't want you kissing people, because I just don't.") then I'd probably do as he wished and not kiss that person. Like I wouldn't kiss Cheaper because I don't want him (Cheaper) to think I mean something by it. I know that Cheaper's relationships have different boundaries than DBF and I's relationship has. And I like where DBF and I's relationship boundaries are.

So... wow. That was easy to work out and I definitely feel I have my position. I would take into consideration what DBF thought on an individual basis but would have to have a serious discussion if he didn't want me to even give my friendly kisses. So... all fixed. Woot!


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